So I sat there waiting, playing out different scenarios in my head. What would I say, how would she respond? Should I serenade her with words or intoxicate her with my physical presence? What if I had read this all wrong? What if she was just looking for a friend and I had jumped the gun? Would she tell Emeka? Would she keep it to herself? What if she was game but we got caught? A lot of possibilities but I was sure only one would play out. Besides, I had crossed the rubicon, couldn't turn back now.
I lay back on the couch & decided to take off my shirt even though the air conditioner was on. Flipped channels a bit and finally settled on a romantic comedy movie. Half a movie gone & half a bottle wine later she still hadn't come. "Crap (sigh), all of this for nothing", I said to myself as I try to get a more comfy position on the wretched sofa. "All of what for nothing?". Huh? I turn back and see her, grey sweatpants and one of those tank-top/bra looking things. I didn't matter to me, she looked more appealing than a play boy bunny at a pool party.
M: "Is there room for one more on that couch of yours?"
K: "Sure, as long as u don't sleep off & start snoring" (chuckle).
M: "(Sigh) tell dat to ur friend, its so pissed off right now. He's been ignoring me all day. Then he tells me to spend the night here and drinks himself into a coma"
K: "(Laugh) awww, come on now. I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose. You know he had to give everyone attention. It was his party after all"
M: "Yeah, right. Everyone but me. Don't defend him Kevin, I hate it when you do that. Whose side are you on anyways, mine or his? He doesn't give a shit about me and we both know it. He just wants a hot chic to call his own and a steady screw. Well he's not getting some from me, at least not tonight".
K: (Hian!!! This strike had better not affect me o)
"Look, I'm not tryna pick sides love, I just don't think you should judge him so harshly. He's a great guy but he's not the most expressive person. He may not be able to say it in a thousand words but you know what they say, actions speak louder"
M: "Well, his are screaming indifference as far as I'm concerned. Come on kev, let's not talk about this. I'm tired and I need to get my mind off all this"
So I moved a bit and she sat beside me while we watched the last few minutes of the moive. By the time the credits started rolling in we had moved into a more 'confortable' position & were more or less cuddling. Soon she was snuggled close to me, right hand over my bare chest. I was pleased but scared at the same time. My friend could come out of the room at anytime. What if he caught us like this? Even if I played it cool there would be consequences to pay.
She started talking about her relationship problems & I just lay there listening. She talked about her past experiences with guys and how hard it was for her to trust them. She'd been heart broken a few good times and now she had this cynical view that all guys just wanted to get in bed with her. The more she talked the more I started to see her as a real person. She had developed a tough skin but underneath it she had a fragile heart. I was lost in my own thoughts and battling with my raging conscience when out of the blue she asked,
M: "You want me don't u? U're just like the rest of them".
I was stunned, all this time I thought I'd been able to conceal my lust. Now I was trapped, like a stray dog caught in glare of headlights at night. I didn't know where to run. So I tried honesty, veiled honesty.
K: "I won't lie, I find you very attractive michelle, but that doesn't change the fact that you're my friend's girl. Under different circumstances I would have jumped at the chance to make you mine. To make you see that not all guys are fixated on sex, but that's not possible. So let's stop talking about this before we say more things we might regret."
She looked at me with eyes filled with sadness. I knew now that she wanted me, but not just for sex. I had been trying to get her to lust after me but I'd ended up winning her heart. Just as she's stolen mine. I pulled her closer as she began to cry, silently. I couldn't see her face buried against my chest but I felt her warm tears as they flowed freely. We didn't say another word to each other but just held each other as we drifted off to a place where were both free, where she was mine and I was hers. Fantasia....
Saturday, 9 April 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
This thing called love....
These days being in love is like the new 'in-thing'. Everybody's doing it. On an hourly basis there's at least someone updating their BB, facebook or twitter status about someone they love or who loves them. Half the time I just look at it and think 'jonzing', not because I don't believe in love or that I don't think these people are being sincere, but because I think a lot of people take that word for granted and say it without truly grasping its meaning.
People get into relationships to fulfill needs. They usually come in these categories:
1) Emotional needs: Everyone loves the attention. Someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to hold them when they're feeling frail & vulnerable. Someone to confide in, someone to listen without judging, someone to boost their confidence, someone to believe in them; or at least pretend to. A lot of people get 'high' on attention and need a regular dose of it to survive so they look for someone who will offer them that thrill and shower them with their time, words & affection. They will in turn pledge their undying love. (Usually lasts for about a few months). The problem with this is that when they find someone else who can devote more time & attention they quickly jump ship.
2) Physical needs: uhm...errh....u know....us human beings are...errh....physical, lol. Basically we all have sexual urges and a lot of people see love & relationships as a means to an end. So we trade our time, affection & attention for sexual favours and call it love. I'm not a self-righteous prude, I believe sex is great but aside from the fact that I strongly oppose sex before marriage I know its worst foundation to build a relationship on. What happens when the person is sick, or busy or far away? Will u find someone else to give your 'love' to?
3) Financial needs: I don't think I need to explain this one too much. This is usually one part of a symbiotic relationship. The 'provider' gives the 'receiver' money or other material gifts & in turn gets either his emotional or physical needs fulfilled (most times both). I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having someone take care of your needs but if that is the basis of your relationship then you're on a looooong tin. If you think about it long and hard you'll realise that there isn't really much difference between 'aristo-ism' & prostitution, except that the later is honest & not sugarcoated.
Once again I would like to emphasize that these are not necessarily bad (I called them needs didn't I?) but they shouldn't be the basis on which a relationship should be built. I remember when I started studying psychology & we went over its history, founding theories and all that poppy cock. I got bored and asked my tutor what the point was? Why I needed to study stuff that was outdated and no longer relevant and she said, "to understand anything you need to look upon its past and not its present; you can only appreciate the final work of an artist when u know the genesis of the matter. What inspired him? Who/what planted the seeds that grew into the idea? (Inception)." Well, that's what we're going to do now. We're going back to the beginning of all of this. Back to the genesis, back to the author, back to God.
I believe God's love for us should be the foundation on which we build our relationships.
There's a portion of the bible that explains this love and I believe that if we can model our relationships after this then we cannot go wrong.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is patient,
True love is unconditional, that is, it does not depend on the attributes or lack thereof of the person loved, therefore, it is willing to give as much time necessary, and as much space as necessary for that person to grow.
love is kind and is not jealous;
Love seeks to give others something of benefit for their welfare, and consequently, rejoices when they do benefit.
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
To lift one's self up in reference to others leaves no room for unconditional, graceful love.
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own,
To act inappropriately, shamefully (morally, especially in the area of sexual purity) is not in accordance with true love. Love never seeks it's own gratification but rather the interests of others.
is not provoked,
Selfishness seeks to manipulate others by stimulating certain selfish emotions. Love will not do this to others, nor will it let it happen to itself.
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Forgiveness. Let it go. Bitterness is the acid. You are the container. Get rid of it or it will kill you.
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Love does not somehow gloss over things that are going to be hurtful. True love originates from the truth.
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
If love really is unconditional, it will hold any weight, face any doubt, persist through hopelessness, and last any trial
Love never fails...
If it did, would it be love?
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Someday, faith will not be needed, for we will see God. Hope will not be needed, for when everything is fulfilled, there is no need for hope. But love, yes, to it there will be no end. If it did, it wouldn't be love.
Thank You.
People get into relationships to fulfill needs. They usually come in these categories:
1) Emotional needs: Everyone loves the attention. Someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to hold them when they're feeling frail & vulnerable. Someone to confide in, someone to listen without judging, someone to boost their confidence, someone to believe in them; or at least pretend to. A lot of people get 'high' on attention and need a regular dose of it to survive so they look for someone who will offer them that thrill and shower them with their time, words & affection. They will in turn pledge their undying love. (Usually lasts for about a few months). The problem with this is that when they find someone else who can devote more time & attention they quickly jump ship.
2) Physical needs: uhm...errh....u know....us human beings are...errh....physical, lol. Basically we all have sexual urges and a lot of people see love & relationships as a means to an end. So we trade our time, affection & attention for sexual favours and call it love. I'm not a self-righteous prude, I believe sex is great but aside from the fact that I strongly oppose sex before marriage I know its worst foundation to build a relationship on. What happens when the person is sick, or busy or far away? Will u find someone else to give your 'love' to?
3) Financial needs: I don't think I need to explain this one too much. This is usually one part of a symbiotic relationship. The 'provider' gives the 'receiver' money or other material gifts & in turn gets either his emotional or physical needs fulfilled (most times both). I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having someone take care of your needs but if that is the basis of your relationship then you're on a looooong tin. If you think about it long and hard you'll realise that there isn't really much difference between 'aristo-ism' & prostitution, except that the later is honest & not sugarcoated.
Once again I would like to emphasize that these are not necessarily bad (I called them needs didn't I?) but they shouldn't be the basis on which a relationship should be built. I remember when I started studying psychology & we went over its history, founding theories and all that poppy cock. I got bored and asked my tutor what the point was? Why I needed to study stuff that was outdated and no longer relevant and she said, "to understand anything you need to look upon its past and not its present; you can only appreciate the final work of an artist when u know the genesis of the matter. What inspired him? Who/what planted the seeds that grew into the idea? (Inception)." Well, that's what we're going to do now. We're going back to the beginning of all of this. Back to the genesis, back to the author, back to God.
I believe God's love for us should be the foundation on which we build our relationships.
There's a portion of the bible that explains this love and I believe that if we can model our relationships after this then we cannot go wrong.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is patient,
True love is unconditional, that is, it does not depend on the attributes or lack thereof of the person loved, therefore, it is willing to give as much time necessary, and as much space as necessary for that person to grow.
love is kind and is not jealous;
Love seeks to give others something of benefit for their welfare, and consequently, rejoices when they do benefit.
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
To lift one's self up in reference to others leaves no room for unconditional, graceful love.
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own,
To act inappropriately, shamefully (morally, especially in the area of sexual purity) is not in accordance with true love. Love never seeks it's own gratification but rather the interests of others.
is not provoked,
Selfishness seeks to manipulate others by stimulating certain selfish emotions. Love will not do this to others, nor will it let it happen to itself.
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Forgiveness. Let it go. Bitterness is the acid. You are the container. Get rid of it or it will kill you.
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Love does not somehow gloss over things that are going to be hurtful. True love originates from the truth.
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
If love really is unconditional, it will hold any weight, face any doubt, persist through hopelessness, and last any trial
Love never fails...
If it did, would it be love?
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Someday, faith will not be needed, for we will see God. Hope will not be needed, for when everything is fulfilled, there is no need for hope. But love, yes, to it there will be no end. If it did, it wouldn't be love.
Thank You.
Monday, 4 April 2011
Diary of an Ex-Whore (Episode 2)
Different people have different theories on why people get attracted to each other. Some blame it on star signs, some call it destiny or fate, some blame it on the ah ah ah ah ah alcohol. Different people with different opinions. But none of them ever met Michelle.
It was the summer I graduated from high school. I had the perfect grades so my mum's usually tight grip had been loosened, along with her purse. I had just started A'levels classes & was crashing over with my best friend half the time. His parents & siblings were out of town for the summer, it was the setting for two precocious young men to get into some very 'adult' trouble.
I'd have loved to say she was tall, light skinned with light brown eyes, long dark hair, great 'endowments' and legs that went on for days; but if I did, I'd be lying. She was five foot five (no dimples) and very ordinary physical features. If you saw a picture of her you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but if you were ever fortunate to be in her presence........*sigh*....
She was the first girl I ever met who reeked of sex appeal. Her smile, her walk, her laugh, the way she tossed her braids when they covered her face; all this added up to make her an extraordinary piece of work.......and I wanted her......BAD. There was one problem though, there was someone else, her boyfriend, my best friend.
If it had been anyone else I would not have been bothered. I mean, she's just a girl, an exceptional one but still....just a girl. Just an itch that needs to be scratched, a fine bottle of wine that needs to be sipped, savored, experienced but in due time forgotten.
I started to justify my plans of getting her. "He didn't really love her anyways.....she wasn't even that attracted to him....she was way better than he deserved.....he was cheating on her....I could please her better...". All flimsy reasons to hurt two relatively innocent people, but good enough for me to embark on my quest.
I didn't need to do much though, he made it easy for me. The more we became friends the more jealous he got, the more he started to question her, the more the she began to see me. I became her standard, she started to compare us both and fortunately for me she found him wanting. I became her confidante, the one she ran to when he started getting distant and easily provoked. I didn't pounce then, that would have confirmed all the things he had told her about me. I waited....patiently.......till she made the first move.
It all started one night when I slept over at his place. It was his birthday and he'd invited a few friends over. We had all eaten and drank a bit too much but I had managed to remain sober enough to plant seeds of discord. I had been the perfect gentleman all evening, giving her attention while her boyfriend attended to other guests. I made sure she was never alone for too long without actually hovering around her. He noticed, but he couldn't say a word to me about it, he didn't want to voice his fears lest they come alive. So he drank, and drank....and drank.
By the time the party was over he could barely carry himself to his bedroom so I walked him and tucked him into bed. I grabbed a bottle of wine, a & a single glass and sat on the big comfy couch. Poured myself a drink and waited, patiently, I knew she would come........
(The end)
It was the summer I graduated from high school. I had the perfect grades so my mum's usually tight grip had been loosened, along with her purse. I had just started A'levels classes & was crashing over with my best friend half the time. His parents & siblings were out of town for the summer, it was the setting for two precocious young men to get into some very 'adult' trouble.
I'd have loved to say she was tall, light skinned with light brown eyes, long dark hair, great 'endowments' and legs that went on for days; but if I did, I'd be lying. She was five foot five (no dimples) and very ordinary physical features. If you saw a picture of her you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but if you were ever fortunate to be in her presence........*sigh*....
She was the first girl I ever met who reeked of sex appeal. Her smile, her walk, her laugh, the way she tossed her braids when they covered her face; all this added up to make her an extraordinary piece of work.......and I wanted her......BAD. There was one problem though, there was someone else, her boyfriend, my best friend.
If it had been anyone else I would not have been bothered. I mean, she's just a girl, an exceptional one but still....just a girl. Just an itch that needs to be scratched, a fine bottle of wine that needs to be sipped, savored, experienced but in due time forgotten.
I started to justify my plans of getting her. "He didn't really love her anyways.....she wasn't even that attracted to him....she was way better than he deserved.....he was cheating on her....I could please her better...". All flimsy reasons to hurt two relatively innocent people, but good enough for me to embark on my quest.
I didn't need to do much though, he made it easy for me. The more we became friends the more jealous he got, the more he started to question her, the more the she began to see me. I became her standard, she started to compare us both and fortunately for me she found him wanting. I became her confidante, the one she ran to when he started getting distant and easily provoked. I didn't pounce then, that would have confirmed all the things he had told her about me. I waited....patiently.......till she made the first move.
It all started one night when I slept over at his place. It was his birthday and he'd invited a few friends over. We had all eaten and drank a bit too much but I had managed to remain sober enough to plant seeds of discord. I had been the perfect gentleman all evening, giving her attention while her boyfriend attended to other guests. I made sure she was never alone for too long without actually hovering around her. He noticed, but he couldn't say a word to me about it, he didn't want to voice his fears lest they come alive. So he drank, and drank....and drank.
By the time the party was over he could barely carry himself to his bedroom so I walked him and tucked him into bed. I grabbed a bottle of wine, a & a single glass and sat on the big comfy couch. Poured myself a drink and waited, patiently, I knew she would come........
(The end)
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Diary of an Ex-Whore
A lot of people find their 'talents' late in life, most of them discover theirs in their late twenties & early thirties. I realised what my own 'talents' were a wee bit earlier.
I read a piece in a psychology journal about social learning/conditioning & how children acquire traits from their immediate environment. They had carried out an experiment on 2 sets of kids. Both sets had watched a man beat up an inflatable doll while shouting stuff like 'pow' & 'boom'. One set saw the model being rewarded for his actions while the second set saw him punished. Once they were left alone with the doll, the first set gleefully started acting out the same violent acts they had seen. The second set on the other hand was a bit cautious, they looked around a bit and made sure nobody saw them before they started pummeling the doll.
After reading this I started reflecting on my early childhood & realised that I was just another victim of social learning/conditioning. There's this particular christmas that comes to mind. I think I was about 5 years old, my mum & I were staying at my cousin's place for the holidays. Now my uncle & his friends were the most 'expressive' people I know. Whenever he & his wife invited guests over for dinner there would always be loads of hugs and kisses and 'light petting' (that's what they called it back then).
Being as was unaccustomed to such things I was instantly intrigued. My mum was a single mother who only had eyes for me & my grandparents were the classic igbo christian elderly couple so I had never experienced such affection before. Don't get me wrong, I always got hugs & the occasional kiss from my mum & grandma when I was declared a 'good boy' but it was nothing compared to these guys. I mean, they kissed themselves when they woke up, at the breakfast table, when welcoming friends & sometimes they got all tongue-tangling. I was like 'wow, this thing must be fun for them to do it all the time'.
So, one day I decided to find out for myself. They had invited their friends and their kids to christmas eve party & fortunately they all came with their kids who were all in my age bracket (between 4 & 7). Without much thought or planning my 4 year old cousin & I paired of with a set of really hot sisters, the older one was 6 (hmmm.....so that's how I started liking older babes) and the younger one was four.
As the night wore on, us kids gradually moved away from the adults who were busy drinking wine & watching fireworks displays on CNN. We played outside in the garden for a while & when the opportunity presented itself I struck. Can't remember how it started out but claire and I started kissing. Gentle innocent kisses at first with brief pauses to laugh at the silliness of it all. Then we looked on and saw my younger cousin actually tongue-ing her little sister. This sparked off the competitive side in me & soon enough we started tongue-ing as well.
Needless to say, that was the genesis of it all. My interest had been aroused & I had readily available teachers (my mum & aunts friends and their partners) and willing co-students (their kids). I went on this journey for a long time. Acquiring new study aids: novels, romantic movies, magazines, soft porn (all for research purposes only, I assure you). Learnt & perfected the art of seduction & deception (that's a different story altogether, we'll get to that soon enough) because it got harder to get willing 'lab-partners'.
Unlike other guys, I judged my success/progress based on the satisfaction of my lab partners. I studied the female anatomy like I was preparing for an examination. At age 12 I could find a clitoris with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back (yes, yes, u guessed right, I carpet-munch). At age 14 I considered myself a bad guy & thought the world was at my feet.......and then........the worst happened. Without any warning or preparation.........I .....fell........IN LOVE....(Sigh)
(End of Part 1)
I read a piece in a psychology journal about social learning/conditioning & how children acquire traits from their immediate environment. They had carried out an experiment on 2 sets of kids. Both sets had watched a man beat up an inflatable doll while shouting stuff like 'pow' & 'boom'. One set saw the model being rewarded for his actions while the second set saw him punished. Once they were left alone with the doll, the first set gleefully started acting out the same violent acts they had seen. The second set on the other hand was a bit cautious, they looked around a bit and made sure nobody saw them before they started pummeling the doll.
After reading this I started reflecting on my early childhood & realised that I was just another victim of social learning/conditioning. There's this particular christmas that comes to mind. I think I was about 5 years old, my mum & I were staying at my cousin's place for the holidays. Now my uncle & his friends were the most 'expressive' people I know. Whenever he & his wife invited guests over for dinner there would always be loads of hugs and kisses and 'light petting' (that's what they called it back then).
Being as was unaccustomed to such things I was instantly intrigued. My mum was a single mother who only had eyes for me & my grandparents were the classic igbo christian elderly couple so I had never experienced such affection before. Don't get me wrong, I always got hugs & the occasional kiss from my mum & grandma when I was declared a 'good boy' but it was nothing compared to these guys. I mean, they kissed themselves when they woke up, at the breakfast table, when welcoming friends & sometimes they got all tongue-tangling. I was like 'wow, this thing must be fun for them to do it all the time'.
So, one day I decided to find out for myself. They had invited their friends and their kids to christmas eve party & fortunately they all came with their kids who were all in my age bracket (between 4 & 7). Without much thought or planning my 4 year old cousin & I paired of with a set of really hot sisters, the older one was 6 (hmmm.....so that's how I started liking older babes) and the younger one was four.
As the night wore on, us kids gradually moved away from the adults who were busy drinking wine & watching fireworks displays on CNN. We played outside in the garden for a while & when the opportunity presented itself I struck. Can't remember how it started out but claire and I started kissing. Gentle innocent kisses at first with brief pauses to laugh at the silliness of it all. Then we looked on and saw my younger cousin actually tongue-ing her little sister. This sparked off the competitive side in me & soon enough we started tongue-ing as well.
Needless to say, that was the genesis of it all. My interest had been aroused & I had readily available teachers (my mum & aunts friends and their partners) and willing co-students (their kids). I went on this journey for a long time. Acquiring new study aids: novels, romantic movies, magazines, soft porn (all for research purposes only, I assure you). Learnt & perfected the art of seduction & deception (that's a different story altogether, we'll get to that soon enough) because it got harder to get willing 'lab-partners'.
Unlike other guys, I judged my success/progress based on the satisfaction of my lab partners. I studied the female anatomy like I was preparing for an examination. At age 12 I could find a clitoris with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back (yes, yes, u guessed right, I carpet-munch). At age 14 I considered myself a bad guy & thought the world was at my feet.......and then........the worst happened. Without any warning or preparation.........I .....fell........IN LOVE....(Sigh)
(End of Part 1)
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